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Friday, December 17, 2010

Relationships 101

The year of 2010 turned out to be a class on relationships for me.  During the year, I was introduced to various relationships and relationship challenges.  The main lesson that had the greatest impact on me was taught by Pastor Donald Bell of Covenant Blessings Fellowship in Gardena, CA.  This is my synopsis of the lesson. The bottom line is that if you are not anchored in the right thing, you will never be able to do relationships right. 
Relationships are when two people have a common goal, for the common good that is commonly defined and commonly executed.
God sets out with a goal and a purpose for everything that He created and He puts together.  When He created us, He created us in His image.  When God wants to bless, He forms a marriage: either an actual one or a symbolical one.  The marriage points to His true nature and character.  Therefore, our identity should be rooted in God. When our foundation is not rooted in God, we cannot execute God’s call of walking in dominion together.  When we do not have an identity, one has to be created.  When it is not from God, you have to search to find one and people usually find it in a culture that is heavily influenced by Satan and hinders us from being Godly. 
To be Godly is to be who God called us to be. It is natural.  When you do what is outside of God, it takes work to maintain the identity that you created.  Take perversion for instance, it causes more work for you to live that lifestyle.  When you aren’t operating how God wants and intended you to operate, life is hard.  God shows favor when you do what He says.  Favor is unmerited grace; having advantages that you do not deserve.
For people who are dating, you should pick the person God is hooking you up with. You should marry to leverage the advantage.  You want to be able to bring two favored situations together producing a double portion.  God favors that kind of union.  That type of union creates authority and dominion to take control of the environment.  When you have kids, your kids should be blessed and favored as well.  God said be fruitful and multiply. Multiplication is different from addition.  Multiplication is more of the same.  Fruitful is being productive. Produce what God wants and walk in dominion.
As long as we are on this earth, we will have relationships.  We have to do relationships.  The question is what is the nature of the relationship?  No matter what relationship you have, it will fall under 1 of 3 categories: a partnership, a predatory relationship, or a parasitic relationship.  Each relationship type has a specific survival strategy.
In a partnership, people work together.  When people work together, they are in the most favored state.  In a predatory relationship one person is the predator and the other is the prey.  In a parasitic relationship, one is the user and the other person is a host.  When you try to turn a predatory or a parasitic relationship into a partnership, you are playing with consequences.  It is not safe to take the wrong thing and force it to work.  Anything less than favored and advantaged is ungodly.  When you do not live in a favored state, you are disadvantaged.  In the unblessed state you are not fruitful or productive.  Fruit can grow in the wrong environment but it will take a lot of extra work.  Whereas seeds planted in a good environment will not take extra work.  You can pretty much throw a seed into a good environment and leave it and it will take root and grow.
All relationships that you have with people should produce the results that God wants not the results that you want.  God is our source.  He meets all of our needs.  It is not necessary to live in anxiety, or be anxious for anything. We just have to keep our eyes open and pay attention that God meets our needs.  This cannot always be seen in the natural.  It takes faith and spiritual eyes to see.  In order to do God’s will in your life, you have to know that God is where you get your identity and that He meets all of your needs.  In Society, whenever a need is met, a right is taken away.  Take 9/11 for instance; to be safe on an airplane, we had to give up the right to travel with regular size shampoos and lotions in your carryons.  When you choose to follow society or worldly culture, you lose the ability to walk in dominion and please God.
People who do not realize that their identity comes from God are involved in predatory relationships. When people lack an identity, they create one.  They have a manufactured personality that they have to protect and will not let anyone get to close to because they do not want the fake things exposed.  When people manufacture a personality, it’s the equivalent of Adam and Eve hiding behind fig leaves.  You are covering your identity and agreeing to do fake.  You present something for others to accept but it’s not who you really are.  You declare you have self-esteem.  You believe in yourself but it’s not in the real you.  It’s in the created you.  You are keeping people out and you usually do it with control and/or force.  Every encounter with you deals with shame.  You do not want anyone to see the real thing.  People say that men are afraid of commitment.  The truth is they are not afraid of commitment but of exposure and not being adequate.  Predators want the freedom to look at people when they want to and they want the power to look.  If a predator decides to commit, it is usually on and off and not consistent.  They live in fear of exposure.  If you get too close, you will see that there’s a gap between whom I am and who I should be.  That shame keeps you away from knowing God like you should.  You find out who you are when you spend time with God.  Spending time with God leaves you not being ashamed or feeling needy.  Needy people are always victims and they end up tearing up partnerships.
When God is not there, people look to others to fulfill their needs.  No one can meet those needs.  You are left feeling lonely and empty because you are looking for someone else to fill a need that only God can.  When people lack the understanding that God meets their needs they are involved in a parasitic relationship. When needs aren’t being met, there is a corresponding emptiness.  You lack the relationship in which your needs were supposed to be met.    The person that meets your needs becomes the god of your needs and pride enters the picture as a result. You cannot get identity from both God and culture.  That is hypocrisy.  Christ is a part of your lifestyle but He’s not truly a part of you.  Your mindset becomes one of I want God to meet my needs but I don’t need to get to know Him because I’m straight with my identity.  That attitude is how we get so many ungodly people in church.  When you have a God-given identity, you are not seeking a needy person.  You do not need anyone to define you and give you identity.  If you hook up with a needy person, you are taking on the role of God.
When God is not the source of your identity and He does not meet your needs, there is no common relationship. You cannot do a common relationship when you are empty.  God always brings provision and identity.  When you reject identity and provision you reject God.  Provision and identity are musts to have a good life.  Couples cannot work out their own issues when those two things are lacking.
Relationships require two things: you need a partner and you need to be engaged with God.  A relationship with others allows you to do God’s will and a relationship with God let’s you be like God.  You need both.  Quit saying all you need is Jesus.  Everyone needs a helpmeet that fits them.  When you have a helpmeet, it gives God glory.  You cannot be fruitful on your own, you need a partner.
When you declare that you do not need God, He can’t meet your needs.  Meeting your own needs does not work.  When your eyes are not on God, you are looking for something or someone else to meet your needs.  When you desire for something to work and it never does – check your focus.  Your eyes might be off God. 


  1. I like this post Nikia. Great article to read and understand. I really like when you said "To be Godly is to be who God called us to be. It is natural". Oh I love that!! Some people may think of it as supernatural or unnatural, however to be anything else besides imitating God is unnatural!!

    Also the 3 categories were on point along with you mentioning that "A relationship with others allows you to do God’s will and a relationship with God let’s you be like God". I can tell you have been listening to all of your resources and it's working in your life. God's blessings to you!!



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I am a certified Life Coach and owner of Bright Life Solutions.